Indie in the rain

I mentioned before that my 3-year-old has me in stitches every day.  Indie is number 11 out of 11 and is definitely the exclamation point on our family.  The mom who is parenting her is a very different mom who raised my oldest. To say this child owns me is an understatement.

She is also wicked smart and spoke her first full sentence, you don’t tell me that!, when she was 15 months old.  She has a dramatic meltdown one minute and in that exact same minute can be incredibly cuddly, sweet, and giggly.

This is a conversation she had with me this morning. And it’s nothing out of the ordinary – she says things like this all the time.

Indie: I love you soooo much!

Me: I love you so much too!

Indie: Mom, I want to tell you something. I want to say something to you that makes you feel special. What makes you feel special?

Me: Getting to be your mom.

Indie: Well, for me there was this one time when Lanie and I went traveling through the apple trees. I remember that. It was incredible for me.

Me: I don’t remember us ever going to see any apple trees. When did this happen?

Indie: A couple months ago. Remember? I was 8.

Me: You have never been 8. 

Indie (rolling her eyes as if I’m ridiculous): Yeah, I know I’m not 8. I said this was a COUPLE MONTHS AGO.

She doesn’t get what I don’t understand about that and she works really hard to pronounce the word months.

She quickly gave up on me, however, and moved on to talking about strawberry mints and how she’s still too small to chew gum.

Filed under: Friends & Family • Indie Juliette

I used to write every day. The things I would type out would come from me like water out of a faucet – the words just pouring out onto the screen with such ease. I was funny and real and had so much to say about life and being a mom of many and a military wife.
Somewhere along my path the writing became more and more difficult. My faucet was clogged and no matter what I did I couldn’t seem to get it flowing again. All the writing-plumbers’ tried-and-true advice did not help me. I lost not only my ability to write but my will to try. Eventually I turned my back completely on my online journal of 16 years; this blog.

I think I’m ready to try again. So much has changed and there is so much to say. Not only has my family grown and changed, but the world seems to have become a foreign place.
For the last several months I have felt the words starting to come back. I have said things like, “I should blog about that” again and “that’s a story for the blog”; words I haven’t said in years.

I don’t know if I’ll be all that witty again. whether that part of me is gone for good or if practice will bring it back remains to be seen. I do know that my life is still pretty funny. My toddler cracks me up every single day in between bouts of driving me crazy. My husband and I are still reasonably goofy and my oldest daughter may be the funniest person I have ever met.
She’s married with 2 little girls of her own now if you can even believe it.

My oldest son is also married with a daughter and a second baby girl arriving in a couple of weeks.
And babies #3 and #4 are both engaged to be married in November and January.

I’ll have to tell you all about it.

One post at a time though.
Let’s not get carried away.

Filed under: Um...

I’d like to note here that I wrote this on my phone.  I’ll hopefully edit it on my computer later but please excuse any wonkiness.

Today we had our 11th baby at exactly 41 weeks. She’s a perfect 8lbs 6oz and she’s just a smidgen under 22″ long.

Here is a quick rundown of how this most interesting birth went.

I had been having super painful contractions for the last four days that were averaging about 20 minutes apart, sometimes stalling for hours, and I was sure my pelvic bone was going to snap into a thousand pieces at any moment.

These were not my normal contractions.

We were planning a homebirth but this morning I was growing concerned and thought we may need to transfer to a hospital. Rabbit suggested we talk to the midwives first so off we went to that already schedule 12 noon appointment

Midwife said we could go in for an ultrasound but asked if she could check my cervix first so we would have all the information possible before making any decisions.  Low and behold I was 8cm dilated and we were all surprised because my contractons, while super painful, were never closer than 10 minutes and certainly not regular at all.

By the time we were leaving that appointment to race home and get ready to have a baby the contractions were becoming a regular 12 minutes apart for the first time and didn’t hurt nearly as bad.

The midwife said they would pick up their equipment and be right behind us. She did warn me that if my water broke Baby would probably be born very quickly after.  Rabbit tried to drive fast but calmly and we made it home within a half hour.  While he drove I texted Kait (our oldest) and told her it was about time but that my contractions were still far apart and we likely had a few more hours.

Hahaha. No.

While he got to work preparing the bed and vacuuming and whatnot, I shouted any progress to him from the bathroom because I had this constant urge to pee. I was glad to be home, glad to be in real labor, glad to know that today was the day.

15 minutes later.

My contractions were closing in.  8 minutes apart.   And my water broke.

I texted this news to my my midwife who responded with “Oh Lord”. I should have taken her response as a sign that things were about to get real but the contractions were still bearable, and 8 minutes apart, so I thought I had a couple hours to go.

Abd here is the part of the story where our baby just crawls on out.

About 20 minutes after my water broke I had a 2 minute long, very intense contraction and I knew right then that I’d be having this baby on the floor of my bathroom.

I hollered to my husband.

Me: The baby is coming right now and I need your help.

Rabbit (super calm): Okay, well the midwives aren’t here yet so let’s get you to the bed.

Me: No I mean the baby is coming NOW and you need to catch her!

Rabbit (still super calm as he gets to where he can catch her): okay, just tell me what you need me to do.

Me: Get a towel to put under me! (I was very concerned about the baby touching the bathmat and floor for some reason, even though it had been freshly cleaned.

Me, again: Catch her! Can you see her head?

Rabbit (STILL SO FLIPPIN CALM): Oh yes. She’s right there.

It took just 4 good pushes, on my hands and knees, on the floor in my bathroom.

And Indie Juliette was born. She slid into my husband’s arms, perfect and healthy at 1:42pm.

Rabbit bundled her into a towel and handed her to me and got to work gathering the suction thingy and other odds and ends.  We sorta cleaned her up as much as possible and waited for the midwives to arrive, they were still 20 minutes out.

Midwife-in-training got here about 10 minutes after Indie was born and she was so calm and reassuring. Then the midwives showed up another 10 minutes later and they went to work tending to Baby and me.

She is perfectly healthy and I am super tired but I feel great.

I’m in new baby heaven, people.

I’m sure there will be be more pictures to follow.

Filed under: A Baby In There • Girls • God is. • Indie Juliette • Look what I made

I had these three girls after having 6 boys in a row.  They are all so different but one thing is the same.

It seems that no matter where they are and what they are doing – if the camera comes out, the little girls appear.

Lucy and Maggie want to be in whatever picture is being taken. Lanie just wants to play with the camera though.

Filed under: Girls • Lanie • Lucy • Maggie

So I’ve been working on a post off and on throughout the day today but I’m going to post this instead because holy cow I almost got hit by a big black pickup while on my run today.

On Purpose.

I mean, I didn’t purposely try to get hit by a truck, the driver saw me and made a grumpy face, and drove over toward me very slowly until I had no choice but to step completely off the road into the uneven slopey terrain. He had plenty of road around him but he chose to drive on the very edge with every intention of knocking me off the road, or hitting me.  And this isn’t the first time this has happened, you guys.

Why do some people hate runners so much?

I run in a 1980’s, oaky, middle class, residential neighborhood. While I would love to be able to run on a sidewalk, our HOA is absolutely deadset against them so I run and teach my kids to run on the left-hand side of the road where drivers can easily see us.  Most drivers in our area wave and smile because everybody likes to see kids outside these days but some people are just so grumpy about us.  One old guy many months ago stood in his driveway and shouted about why on earth I would be forcing my kids to run with me.

And there is the one guy that lets out his dog’s retractable leash all the way when he sees us and watches and laughs as we run 10 or more feet into the grass to keep from being accosted by his mutt.

I carry a zapper now.

Can somebody please let me in on the runner-hater’s reasons for trying to kill me with his truck?   Maybe I should start running with a billy club. One good dent…

Kidding.

But not really.

Filed under: i run

This morning, I opened up my brand new, fresh, clean planner to the first page.  I pulled out my new B3 Aviator multifunction pen (AKA best pen ever) and sat, almost giddy (but not actually giddy because I don’t do that), at the newness of the everything, as if the change from last night to this morning truly reset and cleansed everything.

Because it did, people. Everybody knows that.

January 1, 2017 my theme for the year was run. I had gotten a new pair of running shoes and a Fitbit for Christmas and my goal was to run more regularly instead of in the fits and spurts of past years. Honestly though, what I was really doing was trying to run away from 2016.

2016 was my hardest year. 2016 flipped me upside down, dangled me off the side of a very tall building, and generally just kicked my arse. I learned a lot in 2016 but it was incredibly painful and all I wanted was for it to be over and to never do that again. Then, in 2017, God healed me. Yes, it was a wild ride of a year but it was a really, really good year for me. For us. The best year in possibly ever so, honestly, I don’t really want or need a clean slate.

But a brand new planner…  I do love a brand new planner. Even though I realized that I have nothing to write in it yet.

This year my word is minimalism. It was going to be sanity but I think we can all agree that would have ended in complete failure.

I use to be good at tossing everything but sometime in the last 4 years that changed and I feel like I am wading through junk every single day. And it doesn’t just clog my physical space, it also clogs my mind and I can’t think and I can’t plan. I was talking to Rabbit about it the other night and I think I stopped tossing things because I realized that my older children didn’t necessarily appreciate me giving everything away. Like the cheap drawstring bag one of them got from football camp. Or the toaster.

It’s a difficult line to walk, teaching my children that an abundance of things tends to depreciate everything, while at the same time, appreciating that they are their own people and may value things differently than I.

This year I am going to figure it out. I’m going to worry less about the repercussions of tossing the half broken waffle maker.  I’m going to hang more artwork and pictures on the walls. Try to go on more outings together as a family. Try to read more to my kids.
And can somebody please convince my husband that we don’t need to keep a broken TV?

It’s 2018, people. Let’s get this year started.

Filed under: God is. • minimalism • weekly minimalist

I’m not a flowery person. I don’t talk or write in rhymes and poetics and I have trouble wording the heaviest of feelings.

But let that not diminish how I actually feel about these two.

I know this post is a little late because they were married close to 2 months ago. I have been waiting for the perfect words of joy to flow freely, not realizing that probably wouldn’t do anything any justice anyway.

Kait and Vince were married on November 11th. It was a beautiful ceremony with more friends and family celebrating with us than we could have hoped for.

The vows were exchanged.

And the party started.

People danced and ate and laughed. Old friends and family reunited and new friends and family were made.

And so many people gave so much of their time and all of their energy towards making the day perfect.

And it was just that.

Perfect.

Congratulations Kait! We love you and we are so proud to call you our daughter.

And, Vince, welcome to the family. We couldn’t have asked for a better match for our daughter and we are so blessed to now call you Son.

All pictures in this post are credited to the absolutely fabulous Marty.

Filed under: Florida • Friends & Family • Kait and Vince • Sometimes we do stuff

It was 48 degrees and raining as Sam and I headed out the door to run this morning. Normally I would wait for a break in the rain but for some reason we decided to just go because sometimes you just need to run in the rain.  It was a really good run, too. Much better than we’ve been doing the last week or so.

After today’s run Matthew and I only have 74 more days until we hit our one-year running streak. Sam has 76 left, Ben has 78.  The other runners, Gabe, Rabbit, and Joe are a week or four behind us and I cannot believe that we all have made it this far.

Six of us ran the Pensacola Ho Ho Hustle 5K a couple of weeks ago. Our group was only missing Rabbit – he agreed to stay behind with the younger half.

I just so love these boys.

It was so cold. So, so cold. I’m not talking 50-degrees-and-we’re-in-snowsuits Florida cold. I’m talking about bitter, biting, painful, 85% humidity and 30 degrees cold. If you haven’t experienced freezing conditions in high humidity you will just have to trust me. Plus, it had actually snowed the night before and the bridges were iced over and as we made our way to the race we passed accidents because Florida just doesn’t understand how ice works.

It was cold.

But we ran and it was good.

Our plan now is to train for the Pensacola Double Bridge run in February. It’s a 15K and just over 9 miles.  I think only 3 of us are doing it this year but I’m hoping we’ll have a larger group next year.

Joe mentioned the other day that a year ago you couldn’t have paid him to run. He finds it funny that now he is paying other people to let him run in their races.

Also, my 1-year-old running shoes have a hole in them and I’m incredibly bummed. I wonder if there is a patch made for this sort of thing because I’m not quite ready to give them up. Never in a million years would you have been able to convince me that I would develop a relationship with a pair of shoes.

And there is that update.

Filed under: Ben • Boys • Gabe • i run • Joe • Matthew • Sam • Sometimes we do stuff

When we first became foster parents three long, long months ago I thought I knew how hard it would be.  I thought I was strong enough and I thought that a lot of the things that make foster parenting hard for other people would be easier for me because of my ability to disconnect. I thought it would be difficult for me to bond closely with children who aren’t my own, who I am not related to in any way.

I thought a lot of things.

And I sorely underestimated the toll being a foster parent could take on a person.

We’re still so very new at this but I have learned so, so much in these past 3 1/2 months.  Here is a rundown of the reality of the hardness of being a foster parent.  Keep in mind that my heart has been freshly ripped out of my chest so, while I’ve tried to keep this diplomatic in tone, my emotions might be working against me.

• There are many good caseworkers but they are seriously overworked and often find it easier to just tell you what they think you want to hear instead of letting you in on what is really going on because it is faster and they don’t always have time for a whole big ordeal of a conversation.
• Guardian ad Litems, the child advocates, are often overlooked by the judge.
• Don’t believe everything you hear.  We were told less than a week prior to our last foster child moving that we may be looking at adoption so…
• When you put your foster child to bed always expect it to be the last time you get to tuck them in because one day you’re Mama and the next day you’re a person the child used to know.  We had 6 hours from the time we learned our last foster child was leaving to the time she was picked up. 6 hours.
  She was 2.
• Secondary trauma is very real.
• Once the child is moved away from a foster home, the foster parents are, more often than not, completely cut off. I get no response when I ask how a child is doing and I have read that this is a common occurrence. Maybe this is a legal thing, I don’t know and it doesn’t matter. The reality is that we’re just cut off.  After loving and caring for a child through all their trauma behaviors and communication barriers, they’re often moved with very little or no notice and then we’re just completely cut off.
• Being with family is always better for the child.  Even when it’s not.  And even when it seems it’s not, it still might be the best thing for the child.  This is super difficult to wrap my mind around because…
• I was given false information about some people who were in the life of one of our foster children. When I learned I was being lied to it broke my heart because it caused so much unnecessary trauma to the child.  So, again, don’t believe everything you hear which is why…
• Always go to court when possible. If the social worker tells you not to he/she may be trying to hide something. Consider going anyway or sending a friend. This is the only way to know what is really going on.
• People really do believe that foster parents are only in it for the money.
• Some foster parents do take advantage of others’ generosity.  This is sad and keeps people from giving.  However, this does not mean they are only in it for the money. Sometimes a financial break is too enticing when you’re tired, stressed, and beat down by trying to help traumatized children in a system that is so completely broken.
• As foster parents, we have absolutely no control. Our job is to love and protect the children as best we can each moment they are in our care. That’s all we can do…
• But in those moments that’s everything.

If you’re in the Pensacola area and are interested in being a foster parent please don’t hesitate to contact me. I know I didn’t make it sound very enticing and foster parents are closing their doors at alarming rates because it is just so hard. We’re judged harshly, lied to, left out, cut off, and in the end all that’s left of our work is a slowly mending heart and another child in need. But even after all these things I listed, it is still so worth it. The system is all messed up but while these kids are in our homes we can hopefully make some kind of change.

P.S.  I feel like I should add here that this was not necessarily a bad move for our foster kid. She’s now with a family member who worked quite hard to get her and loves her very much. But the way the system worked, the whole process, was definitely less than ideal and caused unnecessary trauma to everyone involved, especially the sweet foster child. I am not sad that she is with her family, I’m just sad about how the whole thing happened.

Filed under: foster care • God is.

The wedding is done. The kitchen is finally clean again after months of crazy – a word I have come to use all too much to describe our goings ons and I do think it’s time to come up with an alternate word for that word.

Cockamamie?

I put up Christmas lights yesterday. This isn’t something I usually do before December but it felt normal and right and we had used some of the lights at Kait and Vince’s wedding and I didn’t feel like putting them all away just to get them out again in two weeks so now we’re the cockamamie people on the block that are already decorated for Christmas.

[there should be a picture here but I failed and it’s light outside now so you’ll just have to wait]

Rabbit and I stood out on the lawn just after dark last night and looked at my creation. He eyed the roof of the house and said in all seriousness, I’m thinking maybe we should add some up there, and I realized that we are in the honeymoon stage that happens after a wild patch and we’ve got to be careful not to do too much because nobody is going to want to take all these lights down come January.

Did I mention that my daughter is married?

Wow.

And the entire wedding was perfect and beautiful and I can’t wait to have pictures to post. Our photographer is a family friend and she has had numerous weddings over the last couple of weeks so we’re going to sit and be patient but I know they turned out terrific.

We left on vacation the day after the wedding. We didn’t leave town, basically staying in our own backyard but Pensacola Beach is quiet and beautiful this time of year and the weather was perfect and we didn’t have to drive very far.

And the view from our condo was perfect.

Hot lemonade and favorite blankies on the balcony on a cool, breezy evening…  Who knew that was all it would take to appease these two little ones.

I will be honest and say that I was very happy to be back home after the four days at the beach but the vacation was so good.

And now to our last order of business to get everything caught up…

I mentioned before that we became foster parents in September, a task we took on at probably the worst possible time but we absolutely do not regret it one bit.  Our current placement is just the cutest child imaginable. I wish I could post her pictures and tell you all about her but that just can’t happen. What I can tell you is that she is the sweetest 2-year-old with a very uncertain future but she is doing amazingly well with us. Many of you have asked if there is anything we need or anything you can do to help and the truth is, if you would add her, her sibling, and their bio parents to your prayer list that would be the most helpful thing you can do right now.

And one last thing…

I am so sorry to all of you who have sent me messages after reading one of my posts here or on Facebook. I have been so overloaded with foster care appointments and meetings and wedding stuff and Lanie’s therapy and normal family things that I have had to cut out a lot of my social activities recently. But things do seem somewhat calm for the moment so I’ll hopefully do better.

And one more last thing…

We got Lanie a posterior walker. People, she is the cutest thing ever. Expect a video soon. 

Filed under: Florida • foster care • Friends & Family • Kait and Vince • Sometimes we do stuff • The Beach • The Rabbit • the wedding • this house • weekly wrap-up