Yesterday Rabbit, Joe(19) and I went to see It. Joe and I had been planning to go see it together for months but clowns make Rabbit scared uncomfortable and I have no idea how we convinced him to go with us. I think his morbid curiosity kept him from declining our invitation.

The original movie was so cheesy, people, and this remake didn’t fail to capture that same cheese factor.  A little more gory, yes.  Some startling scenes, sure.  But it was way too cheesy to have much horror value. Think about it. A clown who lives in the sewers kidnaps kids and makes them float. This is the story-line of the most talked about horror movie this year.

Why are kids so stupid in horror flicks?  I think that any normal little kid would be thoroughly frightened by a clown in a sewer so this kid talking and laughing with this creepy painted guy makes me wonder, Doesn’t he sense impending doom? Don’t these kids hear the foreboding music? Where is your mother, and WHY ARE YOU WALKING AWAY FROM THE GROUP?

Also, hasn’t anybody ever told them not to go into the basement? Especially when there are creaking sounds involved?

Have any of these kids even seen a cheesy horror flick before?

I think 80’s parents may have missed a lot of important lessons when raising their kids. But how do we, the now grown 80’s crowd, go about breaking that cycle?  Is it hopeless? Are our kids all doomed?

I let 3 of my boys go out riding on their bikes with friends today and I couldn’t help but wonder if I had done enough to prepare them for potential clown mischief so for good measure I have compiled a short list of important 80’s horror flick lessons in hopes that we don’t repeat our parents’ mistakes. (sorry parents)

Number one: Try not to put your hand in a garbage disposal when your house may or may not be haunted.
Number two: Don’t flag down the car with the bad guys when you are trying to escape said bad guys. And if you accidentally do, just play dumb. Certainly don’t tell them you know where to find the bad guys.
Number three: Never feed a Mogwai after midnight. Or get it wet. Or take it out in the sun. As cute as these little guys are, they are just too high maintenance with too much room for error. A fish is probably a better pet option.
Number four: Always make sure to carry a backup inhaler.


Now go forth and remember. If you hear voices calling you from the drain in your sink, it’s a trap. It’s always a trap.

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