A few days ago, just after I started cooking a bunch of eggs, I noticed a large, crappily boxed package in my living room. Nobody claimed to know where it came from so naturally I assumed it was a bomb and was getting ready to call the Navy. Ben looked up from his video game right in the nick of time and let me know that he had answered the door earlier when the UPS man dropped the package off. I had been in my room nursing Maggie and I asked him why he didn’t come and tell me that we had received a package and he said he though I knew. When I asked him how I would know that he just shrugged his shoulders and said, I don’t know. I just thought you probably already knew, because obviously ESP is in my job description.
The address label was a generic, nondescript UPS label. Wondering what could be in the box, I grabbed a pair of scissors and got to opening it.
My eggs were just starting to cook. I was just starting to smell their vegetable and eggy goodness.
I pulled out some of the packaging paper when the understated, yet potent smell of used lard, dirty dishes, and body odor made its way up into my nostrils where it tried to make a permanent home.
It was in this moment that I recalled Rabbit winning a set of 6 pans from a government surplus auction a few cities over. They shipped them to us instead of bringing them to the local auction the next day because that was easier for them.
Yeah. Easier for them than having to refund our money because the pans included rotten food and two of them were so warped that they were unusable and obviously more suited for the dumpster than for cooking. None of that was in the description at all and the picture in the auction was taken at an angle that made the pans only look previously used, not like they had been in a prison riot during the zombie apocalypse.
In their defense, the description did say Condition Unknown Not Tested. But since they had gotten close enough to take a picture for the auction I had just figured they would have seen if there had been any left over food.
I know what you’re thinking. Pictures or it didn’t happen so I took some of my own for you.
I’m not even kidding, people. This is representative of 4 of the 6 pans we received.
This is one of the two warped ones.
I had trouble capturing its true warped-ness but it was seriously oval and the bottom of the pan was no longer flat but had rounded out nicely as if it had been bashed across a very round, very hard head.
Did I mention that I opened these while I was cooking eggs for myself for dinner because I couldn’t eat the cheese in the dinner I had cooked for the family?
I completely lost my appetite. As a matter of fact, I couldn’t eat anything for close to 24 hours. That is how bad it was. Every time I thought about food the smell returned.
I almost feel sick just thinking about it.
So the moral of the story is to not have any reasonable expectations from government auctions that may or may not include used but not cleaned or even wiped out prison cookware that may or may not have been used as weapons at one time. Not that I’m biased against prison pots and pans. But I am.